I have no cigarettes.
and no money.
and no sleep.

UGH.

that is all. I think I may go back to my other xanga..

well..

I put dirty dancing on earlier and didn't watch ANY of it, because I was too concerned with saddening myself even more by looking at all of my old friends xangas and reminiscing. sigh.

and again, I should be sleeping, hah. yea right.

my whole life is filled with memories, and even when new memories are happening, I'm so fucking wrapped up in thinking about the old ones that I don't realize..

ugh.

It's just not a good time. I don't much like where my life is right now. It's nothing like how it used to be.

Someone just drove down my road and beeped like crazy. WHO DOES THAT? I live in the middle of nowhere. Nothing makes any sense anymore.

I'm starting to feel like I did back in the day when I got upset, only not at all.

I think I just want my friends back.

Scratch that, I want my life back, because this sure as hell is not my life. It's not mine.. it's just not.

xanga oh xanga, how I've missed thou.

Now Bentleys barking at the door and just almost fell down the stairs. sigh, maybe the killer's finally come out. or maybe my animals are just simply going as insane as I am.

I miss everything.

oh, they won't stop barking. I should check it out.
nothing's there, but bentley just peed outside of the bathroom while I was peeing in it. And I think I may still have to poop but I don't feel like it.

Ughhhhhh.

WHEN the fuck did all of this happen?!

So we went to the mall and screwed around, but I got in a really good mood and one of those guys who always tries to fuck with your nails called me over to compliment my fur coat and hair, and we stayed and talked to him for a long time and he was amazing, if he wasn't iraqian (?) I think he'd be my soul mate.

and i played with a pomeranian puppy who tried to eat my hair and I fell in love with him. Too bad I already have 6 animals.

And now I'm kind of sad again, and I don't exactly know why I've been getting in these moods. Like I can't pinpoint what would make it better.. I think I'm just stuck in a rut and this routine is getting old.. like I'm living alone and I never go downstairs unless I have to go to the bathroom, I wake up, go to class, come home and sleep, wait for gina to get out of school, and then go out with her but we don't do anything.. yet somehow we always stay out so late and I come home and feel like the day is done.. and nothing really ever happens. ever. I can't even watch TV, and I've seen all of my movies like a million times and Jon took his back, even though I've seen them all a million times too.

I just don't have much motivation. I think I'm really lonely.. and even when I hang out with people, I'm still lonely because we don't do anything different, like I don't really feel like I'm with anyone else because nothing changes.

I miss Mar and Erin, but I don't think they miss me like I miss them, we've all changed so fucking much I wish we could go back to when we first started hanging out and got the cops called on us for playing hide and seek. Things were so much simpler.. I'm sure we could still do the same stuff, but now that everyone has cars and houses there's no need to wander around town finding stuff to do like we used to..

I think I miss that town. I wish this rut would just be over with. I have no idea what's going to happen next in my life, but I wish it would just happen.

Growing up isn't fun. Growing up is fucking boring. It's not like we CAN'T do the things we used to, we just all grew up.. and for some reason stopped doing what we used to. I think living at home and not having a car has a lot to do with it.

And I miss Jon. I want him to just come over and spend time with me, and I feel guilty for wanting that because I know he should spend the time he has with his family, and it's not that I don't want to hang out with all of them, it's just right now I want it to be me and him. I think I'm needing that best friend feeling right now.

It's fucking crazy how we've all grown up and apart and how so much has happened and everything's changed.

I used to think more, because more happened. I talked to people more. We came up with ridiculous stuff more, and I had something to think about for every word I heard. Now everything's just kind of blah.

Maybe it also has to do with the fact that it's winter, and I don't have my moms parties anymore either.

OH, haha, I applied at zumiez.

Now my belly doesn't feel good. ugh.

I've been very sad lately.

and today i was supposed to look for a job.. but i didn't.

oh, and ginas here now.

k bye.